Speech Preparation #5: Six Power Principles for Speech Editing

Original Speech

Edited Speech

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Mister Contest Chair, Fellow Toastmasters and guests…

A year and a half ago, my wife and I traded our condo keys for house keys. Our floor space doubled, but there were two much larger changes. First, our mortgage jumped from something quite manageable to something which scares me considerably. Second, the few hours that I once affectionately called “free time” became known as “yard work.” Yard work is a bit like being a Toastmaster club officer for me. I don’t have any clue what I should be doing most of the time, but I always end up being awfully busy.

It was the riskiest thing I’ve ever done. Eighteen months ago, my wife and I traded our condo keys for house keys. Our floor space doubled, our mortgage tripled! Our salary did not change. When the first payment transferred from our bank account, I heard a loud vacuous whooooosh! It would have been easy to let it knock us over. If we had, we’d never have realized a much larger change was coming.Those few hours once affectionately called “free time” became “yard work.” For me, yard work is a lot like being a Toastmasters club officer. I don’t have any clue what I should be doing most of the time, but I always end up being awfully busy.

Mister Contest Chair, Ladies and Gentlemen, and anyone who has ever chased the dream of home ownership and been suckered into yard work …

I really needed a more impactful opening.

I moved the salutation (“Mister Contest Chair”) from the opening sentence to later on.

This allowed me to build conflict immediately with the opening line (“riskiest thing”).

I added a triplet (“Our floor space doubled, our mortgage tripled, our salary did not change.”)

Concision: “a year and a half” changed to “eighteen months”.

Concision: “our mortgage jumped from… considerably” to “our mortgage tripled”

The first big project I tackled was to take care of numerous bushes and trees that were either dead or located in places where my wife didn’t want them. Most of this involved pulling dried sticks out of the earth. The Japanese maple tree was a bit different…it had leaves! So, rather than chop it out, we decided to move it to a prominent spot in the front yard.

The first project was to address numerous bushes and trees that were either dead or located in places where my wife didn’t want them. This involved pulling many dry sticks out of the earth, but the Japanese maple tree was different… it had leaves! Rather than chop it out, we decided to move it to a prominent spot in the front yard.

Concision: Minor edits.

The tree was only seven feet tall. I quickly estimated that I would be done in time to enjoy a mid-morning lemonade. I started digging a hole around the tree about two feet in diameter. Unfortunately, the roots seemed to extend beyond that. I extended the hole to three feet… no luck. Four feet. No luck! After a few hours of digging, I had a moat around the tree, several feet wide and deep.

I’m six feet tall. The tree was about the size of a Sumo wrestler. I estimated that I would be done in time to enjoy a mid-morning lemonade. I started digging a hole two feet wide. Unfortunately, the roots extended beyond that. Each time I widened the hole, I discovered another root. Several hours later, I had a moat.

Clarity: I added a metaphor to give the audience a clearer picture of the size of the tree, and to foreshadow the struggle about to occur.

I exposed all the roots that I could see, and pulled on the trunk.When the tree didn’t pop out of the hole, I tugged harder. Tugs turned to yanks… yanks turned into full-fledged wrestling. Yes, when nobody is looking, this is what I do in my back yard… wrestle trees! Eventually, the tree took pity on me and fell over. I then discovered the source of the tree’s strength… roots as expansive as its branches! Strong roots… strong tree.

I exposed all the roots that I could see, and tugged on the trunk. To my surprise, the tree didn’t pop out of the hole. Tugs turned to yanks… yanks turned into full-fledged wrestling. Eventually, I triumphed. Truthfully, the tree took pity on me and fell over. I then discovered the source of the tree’s strength… roots as expansive as its branches! Strong roots… strong tree.

Again, tightening the language to condense this section.

Continuity: I eliminated the joke (“this is what I do in my back yard”) because I felt it was awkward in between the “action” and the “lesson”.

Planting it in the front yard was quite a bit easier. As I gazed up, exhausted, my eye was drawn to my neighbour’s yard. Specifically, the fifty-foot monster tree in my neighbour’s yard looming over my garage. I put on my engineering cap, and walked a few houses down the street so I could get a good perspective. No doubt about it… that tree would easily crush my garage if it ever toppled over. Good thing trees have such strong roots.

Planting it in the front yard was relatively simple. As I gazed up, looking into the sunset, my eye was drawn to the monster tree in my neighbour’s yard looming over my puny house. I looked again at the monster tree, and then at my puny house. There was no doubt that the tree would easily crush my house if it ever toppled over. I was thankful that trees have strong roots.

Clarity: I shortened this section a bit to improve clarity.

I changed “my garage” to “my house” to heighten the danger.

Continuity: “Looking into the sunset” was an attempt to point out that I spent all day on this project. This was, I think, too subtle, and I addressed this in future editing.

Many months later, the yard work mercifully ended with the rainy season. Or, perhaps I should call it the wind, storm, and snow season. During the first big wind storm, I was in Quebec on a business trip. I flipped on the news, and was amazed to see footage from BC on the national news – gigantic trees falling to the ground and on buildings.

Many months later, yard work mercifully ended with the rainy season. Or, perhaps I should call it the wind, storm, and snow season. During the first big wind storm, I was in Quebec on a business trip. I turned on the national news, and was amazed to see footage from BC! Not just any footage… footage of storm winds blowing gigantic trees onto houses.

Terror gripped me… could my neighbour’s monster tree be toppled by the wind? I called my wife. She reported that the gas BBQ had been lifted off the deck and slammed into the house. However, the monster tree stood tall, and only a few of its branches littered my yard.

Terror gripped me as I envisioned my house becoming an expensive pile of matchsticks. I called my wife. She said “I have good news and I have bad news?” The bad news is the gas BBQ was lifted off the deck and slammed into the house. The good news is that the monster tree stood tall.

The “pile of matchsticks” phrase is inserted to provide a better visual for the audience.

Clarity: I introduced the “good news, bad news” pattern to make the contrast more obvious.

Yet, the television footage was real. This hit home when my wife and I were driving through Stanley Park some weeks later. It was impossible to imagine how so many trees could be knocked over.

Yet, the television footage was real. This hit home when my wife and I were driving through Stanley Park some weeks later. It was impossible to imagine how so many trees with strong roots could be knocked over.

Focus: Just one change. I inserted “with strong roots” to increase the focus on my key speech point.

A theory was put forth by several arborists in Greater Vancouver. Perhaps it was not the force of the wind alone. Rather, it was the force combined with the direction. Apparently, the wind storms of 2006 came from an unusual direction. Each time the wind blows, trees become stronger as they resist it. But, since these trees had never had to face a strong wind from this particular direction, they were “side-swiped” and unable to cope.

A theory was put forth by several arborists in Greater Vancouver. Perhaps it was not the force of the wind alone. Rather, it was the force combined with the direction. Ladies and gentlemen, each time the wind blows, trees brace for it, and become stronger as they resist it. Over time, they become very strong in this direction. But the winds of 2006 came from a different direction. The trees were simply unable to cope, and knocked over.

Clarity: The latter part was completely reworked. I wanted this to be an “a-ha!” moment for the audience.

I inserted the “Ladies and gentleman” phrase to draw attention to the following words. This is a technique which James Humes describes at length (the Power Button) in Speak Like Churchill, Stand Like Lincoln.

In case you were wondering… my Japanese maple tree was hardly touched by the wind.

Continuity: I eliminated this line because it did not seem to flow. Ironically, I am often asked about the fate of the tree. Perhaps I was wrong?

The events of this past week reminded me of the importance of facing the wind head-on.

The events of this past month reminded me of the importance of facing the wind head-on.

Over the past few years, my sister-in-law Michelle and her husband Lance have had a pair of pregnancies cut short by miscarriage. This was obviously heartbreaking, but Michelle and Lance have strong roots. When the wind came, not once, but twice, they faced the wind head on, and did not let it topple them or their dream.

Over the past few years, my sister-in-law Michelle and her husband Lance have had a pair of pregnancies… both cut short by miscarriage. This was obviously heartbreaking, but Michelle and Lance have strong roots. More importantly, when the wind came, not once, but twice, they faced the wind head on, and did not let it topple them or their dream.

Clarity: added “both”

Added “More importantly” for emphasis.

On Sunday night, a phone call a few minutes shy of midnight announced the birth of their son, Maximus. The name is Latin for “greatest”, and he certainly is a great joy. However, Maximus was born a full month premature, and so he is confined to an incubator. It seems he still needs to face the wind a little longer… but his roots are strong, so I’m confident he won’t be toppled.

The call came on a Sunday night, a few minutes shy of midnight, announcing the birth of their son, Maximus. My first thought was Maximus: Russell Crowe from Gladiator?The name is Latin for “greatest”, and he certainly is a great joy. However, Maximus was born a full month premature. Confined to an incubator, he still needs to face the wind a little longer… but I’m confident he won’t be toppled.

Variety: The primary change was the insertion of the Russell Crowe joke. I felt that the audience needed some emotional relief at this point in the speech.

Fellow Toastmasters, we can’t control when the wind comes, how powerful it is, or its direction. However, we can control our response to it. We can try to evade it, and risk being side-swiped… or we can face the wind head-on.

Ladies and Gentlemen, we cannot control when the wind blows, we cannot control how powerful it blows, and we cannot control its direction. Yesterday, it was a mortgage payment, today it’s a wind storm, tomorrow you may be fighting for your life. Remember that we are not trees! We can control our response to the wind. We can try to evade it, and risk being side-swiped… or we can face the wind head-on.

The original conclusion was weak. I strengthened it in two ways.

First, I use repetition (“we cannot control”) to add impact.

I refer back to earlier points of the speech (mortgage payment, wind storm, fighting for life), applying the rule of three for good measure.

Mister Contest Chair…

Mister Contest Chair…