Comments on: Defensive Reponses: Not “Why”, but “You” http://sixminutes.dlugan.com/defensive-reponses-not-why-but-you/ A Public Speaking and Presentations blog Fri, 10 Feb 2012 23:30:29 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 By: Cmty Leadership Projhttp://sixminutes.dlugan.com/defensive-reponses-not-why-but-you/#comment-23162 Cmty Leadership Proj Tue, 22 Sep 2009 20:28:29 +0000 http://sixminutes.dlugan.com/2007/11/28/defensive-reponses-not-why-but-you/#comment-23162 RT @6minutes Defensive Reponses: Not “Why”, but “You” http://bit.ly/34xwKr #leadership

RT @6minutes Defensive Reponses: Not “Why”, but “You” http://bit.ly/34xwKr #leadership

]]> By: Jason Blackhttp://sixminutes.dlugan.com/defensive-reponses-not-why-but-you/#comment-21 Jason Black Mon, 03 Dec 2007 17:28:15 +0000 http://sixminutes.dlugan.com/2007/11/28/defensive-reponses-not-why-but-you/#comment-21 You're right that "what" beats "why", and staying away from "you" is better still, but I think that the solution is not simply to put all the questions into the passive voice as a way of eliminating "you". It's too easy for passive voice constructions to come across as condescending. It's too easy to sound like a parent asking their kid "And how did the window get broken?" when both parent and child know darned well that the expected response is "Because I was throwing my ball in the house." Listening to passive voice formulations of those questions can be worse, because the listener still knows you think they are at the root of the problem, only you're too chicken to come right out and say it. Focusing on the future, rather than the unchangeable past can help, as can putting yourself into the question (your "we" suggestion). Better alternatives to your examples include: Instead of: “Why did you miss the target?” Try: “Help me understand how the schedule was off. Is there something else we should be considering when we schedule our projects?“ [puts the focus on the questioner's lack of information in a neutral way with a focus on improving future performance] Instead of: “Why couldn’t you deliver the report?” Try: “What got in your way of delivering the report?“ [implicitly blames the obstacles rather than the person, although this method runs the risk of letting someone deflect responsibility for poor performance onto external factors] Instead of: “Why didn’t you catch this risk?” Try: “How did that possibility slip through the cracks? I don't want to miss it if something like that comes up again.“ [puts the focus on failure of an approved process (risk analysis) than on the person who was (presumably) following that process, again with an eye toward improving the process rather than blaming the person] You’re right that “what” beats “why”, and staying away from “you” is better still, but I think that the solution is not simply to put all the questions into the passive voice as a way of eliminating “you”. It’s too easy for passive voice constructions to come across as condescending. It’s too easy to sound like a parent asking their kid “And how did the window get broken?” when both parent and child know darned well that the expected response is “Because I was throwing my ball in the house.” Listening to passive voice formulations of those questions can be worse, because the listener still knows you think they are at the root of the problem, only you’re too chicken to come right out and say it. Focusing on the future, rather than the unchangeable past can help, as can putting yourself into the question (your “we” suggestion).
Better alternatives to your examples include:
Instead of: “Why did you miss the target?”
Try: “Help me understand how the schedule was off. Is there something else we should be considering when we schedule our projects?“ [puts the focus on the questioner's lack of information in a neutral way with a focus on improving future performance]
Instead of: “Why couldn’t you deliver the report?”
Try: “What got in your way of delivering the report?“ [implicitly blames the obstacles rather than the person, although this method runs the risk of letting someone deflect responsibility for poor performance onto external factors]
Instead of: “Why didn’t you catch this risk?”
Try: “How did that possibility slip through the cracks? I don’t want to miss it if something like that comes up again.“ [puts the focus on failure of an approved process (risk analysis) than on the person who was (presumably) following that process, again with an eye toward improving the process rather than blaming the person]

]]> By: Scott Ginsberghttp://sixminutes.dlugan.com/defensive-reponses-not-why-but-you/#comment-18 Scott Ginsberg Fri, 30 Nov 2007 05:25:08 +0000 http://sixminutes.dlugan.com/2007/11/28/defensive-reponses-not-why-but-you/#comment-18 Great points - didn't even think about the "you" factor! Thanks! Great points – didn’t even think about the “you” factor!

Thanks!

]]> By: jessehttp://sixminutes.dlugan.com/defensive-reponses-not-why-but-you/#comment-17 jesse Thu, 29 Nov 2007 20:24:56 +0000 http://sixminutes.dlugan.com/2007/11/28/defensive-reponses-not-why-but-you/#comment-17 The crux of the issue is the intent of the question. It depends upon the nature of the conversation, whether the questioner is looking for someone to accept responsibility for a problem/situation or to have the person involved in the solution. Note Scott's suggested rephrasings are collaborative and forward-looking, with the idea to keep the respondant engaged and motivated. The use of "why" is a bit of a sidebar. The crux of the issue is the intent of the question. It depends upon the nature of the conversation, whether the questioner is looking for someone to accept responsibility for a problem/situation or to have the person involved in the solution. Note Scott’s suggested rephrasings are collaborative and forward-looking, with the idea to keep the respondant engaged and motivated. The use of “why” is a bit of a sidebar.

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