Six Minutes » Communication Skills

Toastmasters Testimonials: 85 Years of Better Speakers

Andrew Dlugan — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 19:18:56 +0000

To mark the 85th anniversary of the world’s leading organization devoted to communications, we recently asked Six Minutes readers to share their stories of growth through Toastmasters.

Question: How has Toastmasters made a difference in your life?

We received a flood of testimonials, and are pleased to share several of them below.

Bryan Senter:

I had expectations when I came into Toastmasters. I expected to become a better speaker and a better overall communicator. I even bought into the opportunities to improve my leadership skills. But what caught me by surprise was the personal growth.

Peggy Machol-Bassett:

“What a wonderful experience that first meeting was [...] speech evaluations with substance and kindness!”

I used to teach my speech classes just as I was taught in college: assign a list of speeches to be completed by semester’s end, have students work independently and present speeches, and the teacher (me) announces to the entire class how each student failed to achieve the objectives. Needless to say, after the first speech or two, students began refusing to speak!

I heard of Toastmasters and found my club, JSC Toastmasters #3116. What a wonderful experience that first meeting was — being sincerely welcomed by the members when I arrived, tantalizing Table Topics, speech evaluations with substance and kindness! I was hooked.

My students immediately noticed the change in class. Three years later, I’m working towards my AC Silver and display my speech evaluations for my students to read. There’s no way to know what my fellow speech students might have been able to achieve had our instructor used Toastmasters methods.

Frank Andrassy:

“I joined Toastmasters because my company had cancelled all their personal skills development training.”

My life has changed and I have met exciting, outgoing, approachable, caring, giving, helping, and (most of all) people that support, help and drive you to be the best.

I joined Toastmasters because my company had cancelled all their personal skills development training. I was just planning to get my CC and stop. I decided to get my CL and attended officer training. My trainer hooked me — I wanted to speak like him. On the way home, I developed a speech which I used to enter the Humorous Speech Contest. I won my club contest and my Area contest, but lost in the Division. I was hooked. I later competed in the International speech contest and did the same. It seems my speeches were lengthy and growing longer. I eventually became my club’s President and now I am an Area Governor. My goal and plan is to get my DTM in June 2010.

How has Toastmaster helped me? Contacts, networking, beating shyness and being introverted, support, being believed in, and most of all friendship. My plan was to develop a blog (needed a topic) I also wanted to get into Professional speaking and found out I needed a strength or area. Toastmasters has made me looked deeply at myself and realize that who I was and what I believed in was not only Ok but needed to be shared with others. I started giving speeches on the loss of civility in America, Personal Freedom and how to get controlled back in your life, overcoming Apathy, finding meaning and direction in your life, etc. Toastmasters and the people, friends, contacts that I have developed have supported, driven, encouraged, guided me to become a better speaker, speech writer and speak from the heart so others can hear, change and become a better person and help make America great again.

Joanne Soong:

Toastmasters helped me eliminate my crippling fear of speaking which prevented me from pitching my small business plan to investors. Now, I speak without fear, and my small business is thriving!

Kevin Wortman:

“I joined Toastmasters 16 years ago to attack, head on, a profound fear of public speaking. I reached a point, in my life and career, where the inability to communicate effectively was impacting everything I did.”

I joined TM 16 years ago to attack, head on, a profound fear of public speaking. I reached a point, in my life and career, where the inability to communicate effectively was impacting everything I did. I decided that my only alternative was to succeed. To tell you that TM changed my life would hardly do the experience justice. Today, I have my Able Communicator Gold designation and I’m currently working in the Competent Leader program. I speak in public every chance I get, and I teach public speaking skills in TM clubs, learning institutes, and high schools. I have won District level speaking competitions and have spoken to large and small audiences alike. Now, I am sought out for communication skills and public speaking mentoring.

“My communication skills have vaulted my career to the executive level in a Fortune 100 company. [...] Toastmasters gives you a skill that 95% of professionals don’t have. That’s a differentiator!”

My communication skills have vaulted my career to the executive level in a Fortune 100 company. Communication is a necessary leadership skill and the TM program teaches the participant to think on their feet through Table Topics with precision and key messaging while manual speeches hone individual skills for both speech mechanics and content. Personal development through the TM program requires commitment and a willingness to be “teachable.” However, the investment is small in comparison to the infinite return achieved through strong public speaking skills. I am convinced through years of speech evaluation, observation and participation that strong public speaking skills are absent in 95% of professionals thereby evidencing the invaluable nature of the TM program. To this end, TM gives you a skill that 95% of professionals don’t have. That’s a differentiator!

TM has afforded me the opportunity to meet great people from a broad range of professions and backgrounds. There is always a willingness to help participants succeed because the success of every individual is the success of the TM club and mission. I am well coached and well trained in public speaking because other Toastmasters took the time and interest in my personal development. I can’t give back enough to repay the success it has brought me both personally and professionally, but I keep trying. There are friendships that I have developed which now span years of TM participation. People make the program and passion makes the people.

“The hardest part is taking the first step from the ‘burning platform’ of fear [...] ”

I hope, in a small way, I’ve captured the essence, opportunity and challenge of public speaking through the expressions and participation in the TM experience. I consider myself a public speaking work-in-process forever and truly believe in the benefit of the TM program and larger organization. The hardest part is taking the first step from the “burning platform” of fear, nevertheless, it‘s a step you’ll remember forever and opportunity for personal development that parallels the same.

Have a Question?

Contact me anytime,
or find me on Twitter: @6minutes

Andrew Dlugan is the editor and founder of Six Minutes. He teaches courses, leads seminars, coaches speakers, and strives to avoid Suicide by PowerPoint. He is an award-winning public speaker and speech evaluator. Andrew is a father and husband who resides in British Columbia, Canada.

Toastmasters: Please Share Your Story

Andrew Dlugan — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 00:01:25 +0000

October 22, 2009 is the 85th anniversary of Toastmasters International.

Since that first meeting in the basement of the YMCA in California, hundreds of thousands of people around the world have become more effective communicators, more effective leaders, and more effective citizens.

Are you one of them? Please share your story!

Be Featured on Six Minutes

Six Minutes is looking for personal stories of success through Toastmasters. We’ll compile the best responses and feature them in a future article.

Question: How has Toastmasters made a difference in your life?

Maybe your career was boosted by superior presentation skills? Maybe your extra confidence helped you achieve your goals? Maybe your relationships improved thanks to better communication?

Please share your story, whether it be short or long, personal or public. Include your name, location, and (if relevant) your occupation.

Update: Responses have been compiled here.

Why Pausch, not Obama, is Best Communicator of 2008

Andrew Dlugan — Wed, 31 Dec 2008 05:29:35 +0000

I am a Bert Decker fan. I subscribe to his blog and learn from him often. I’ve got his books on my wishlist.

But, after reading his “Top Ten Best (and Worst) Communicators of 2008” list, I’m confused — how did he get it wrong?

Best Communicators of 2008

Barack Obama

Tim Russert

Randy Pausch

Colin Powell

Mike Huckabee

John Chambers

Sarah Palin

Nancy Duarte, Garr Reynolds, Seth Godin, Guy Kawasaki

Tina Fey

Anderson Cooper

Worst Communicators of 2008

George Bush

Richard Fuld

Rod Blagojevich

Eliot Spitzer

Roger Clemens

Sarah Palin

Dan Rather

Al Davis

Rosie O’Donnell

John McCain

Okay, top 10 lists are subjective by nature. They are one person’s opinion. Can Bert Decker really be wrong in his opinion? No, he can’t.

So, instead, I’ll just have to say that I am disappointed with this year’s lists for three reasons:

1. Too much emphasis on politics.

60% of the individuals cited are intimately tied to the political arena.

7 of the Best are either politicians (Obama, Powell, Huckabee, and Palin) or closely tied to politicians in 2008 (Russert, Fey, Cooper)
5 of the Worst (Bush, Blagojevich, Spitzer, Palin, and McCain) are politicians

This is a bit like having 60% of the “Best Athletes of 2008″ be Olympic heroes and disappointments. [Then again, perhaps Michael Phelps could be #1, #2, ... #8.]

Yes, 2008 is a presidential election year. And, yes, communication is an integral part of politics. However, there’s a whole world communicating out there outside of the political arena too. Duarte and Reynolds merit much higher consideration, for example, because they are helping transform the public speaking status quo.

2. “Worst Communicator” = “Scandal-ridden”??

(At least) Six of the 10 Worst were caught up in scandals of varying degree in 2008: Fuld, Blagojevich, Spitzer, Clemens, Davis, O’Donnell.

Which of these seem more likely?

Bad communication leads to scandal?
Did these people end up embroiled in scandal because they are poor communicators? No, the scandals resulted because they made (very) bad decisions.
Scandal leads to bad communication?
Before the scandal broke, were they particularly bad communicators? Maybe. Maybe not. But without those scandals, none of these people would be on the list. Feelings of guilt plus a camera and microphone is a bad combination… for just about anyone.

I’m not saying that these people demonstrated good communication habits under fire. But, it is rare for someone to be under fire and come out looking like a great communicator.

I’d prefer more emphasis on this list on genuinely bad communicators not tied to scandals (Bill Gates is the often cited example here, although that title is not always deserved.)

3. Randy Pausch, not Barack Obama, is the Best Communicator of 2008

It’s a difficult task to argue against Barack Obama in #1 position. It would not surprise me if he earns that position for the next eight years.

His oration skills have been compared regularly to Lincoln, Churchill, and Kennedy.
His speaking prowess far outdistanced that of his two main rivals this year (Hilary Clinton, John McCain).
His speeches are worthy of analysis (he has already been featured on Six Minutes, and he will continue to be going forward).

But, it is overkill to suggest that “he was elected President BECAUSE of his communications ability“. Numerous factors contributed to his victory, including these three:

Superior Fundraising — His campaign excelled at fundraising in ways never seen before.
Superior Strategy — His team had the best strategy (both in the Democratic primaries and the general election).
Inferior Bush — The economy and Iraq (among many other reasons) doomed any candidate the Republicans put forward.

Running for President put Obama in a very select group, and gave him a global audience. To his credit, he maximized this opportunity. But would he be first on this list if he were giving these same speeches as just the Senator from Illinois? Would he have moved millions to action if he were just a party strategist? Or a community organizer from Chicago? Or a computer science professor?

Randy Pausch was a computer science professor. He had virtually no audience — just an auditorium filled with 400 people at Carnegie Mellon University. He had no fame. No reputation. No speechwriters. No army of volunteers. He had nothing to guarantee an attentive audience other than a particularly timely lecture and a death sentence of pancreatic cancer. As he points out in his book, this fact hardly makes him unique — more than 37,000 Americans are diagnosed with pancreatic cancer each year.

Despite all of this, over 8 million people have watched Randy Pausch’s Last Lecture on Youtube alone. That’s quite an increase from the 400 who saw it live.

Pausch’s Last Lecture is poignant, thought-provoking, emotional, funny, inspirational, and memorable. Pausch lacked Obama’s polish as a classical orator, but he is second to none as a communicator.

His skillful communication continued beyond his famous speech into his bestselling book, which I received for Christmas a few days ago. In addition to all the life lessons, every speaker can learn from how Pausch teaches a lesson through storytelling. If you enjoyed the stories in the speech, you’ll love the additional stories in the book. Ditch the facts, figures, and PowerPoint… just tell stories.

In short, 2008 saw Pausch emerge from complete obscurity to touch the hearts of millions… all from a single speech to an audience of 400. He proved that if you speak from the heart, the world will listen. For that, he’s the best communicator of 2008 in my book.

9 Steps to Conquer Nerves and Communicate Clearly in Interviews

Sandra Zimmer — Thu, 04 Dec 2008 07:10:49 +0000

Are you facing an important interview?

Would you like to go to your interview totally prepared and feeling like a well-toned athlete ready to win the championship?

Being interviewed for a job or by the media can generate the same tension and anxiety as public speaking does for many people.

In this article, you will learn to take on interviewing like an athlete preparing for the championship. You will understand how to prepare yourself to be transparent for interviews so that you can share yourself, your ideas and your expertise authentically.

Think about the word interview. Break it into syllables: in-ter-view. To be interviewed means to let someone see in to you, and that will feel vulnerable. So, like an athlete, you must prepare, not only to answer questions, but to open yourself to be transparent and to manage the physical tensions and emotional anxieties that happen when you are being evaluated or questioned.

I will outline nine steps for conquering your nerves and communicating clearly that I have both taught my clients who were preparing to interview and used successfully myself.

These steps will be divided into three sections

Changing the way you think about the interview process
Preparing to share your experience and expertise
Handling the bodily-felt tension and anxiety

How to Think about the Interview

1. Be there to help.

Don’t think about an interview as an audition or test. Thinking so puts you in the position of being judged, which will trigger tension and anxiety. Instead, think about your interview as an opportunity to help the interviewer.

Remember that the interviewer need help. He is looking for someone to hire because his company needs someone to help them be successful. So, think in terms of helping the interviewer find out how you can help his company. If you are being interviewed by the media, think about helping the reporter and his listeners understand something that you know about.

2. Detach from the outcome.

Let go of it having to be a certain way. Evaluate your expectations and really look at what you think needs to happen in the interview. Anytime you have to have it be a certain way, you will be stressed.

So, evaluate what you are pressing to have happen and then let it go. Be willing for it not to happen the way you want it. This puts you in neutral energy where you can feel open to more possibilities. Turn your results over to a higher power and ask that the outcome be for the highest good of all concerned.

Prepare to Answer Questions

3. Determine likely interview questions.

List on paper the questions that your interviewer will most likely ask you to answer. Be sure to include the really hard interview questions that you are afraid to answer. And also include, “Tell me about yourself.”

4. Write and practice your answers.

For each of the questions, write your answers on paper.

Then, practice them aloud until you can share your answers fluidly. You may be tempted to skip the practice, but don’t. Vocal expression is different from the thought process. You must speak your answers out loud for fluid expression.

5. Decide how to sell yourself.

Next, list on paper the important points that you want to communicate to the interviewer about your background, abilities, qualities, experience and expertise.

6. Illustrate key points with stories.

For each important point you want to make, write down the things you want to share and an example (story) that backs up the point.

For instance, if you say you managed a team effectively, tell a story about a challenging situation that happened that proves you managed the team well. Then, practice sharing your points and stories aloud until you can speak them fluidly.

Handling Tension and Anxiety

7. Warm up your body.

Before you go to your interview, do enough physical exercise so that your body is loose and flowing. Make sure you stretch fully and that you elevate your heart rate so that blood is pumping.

Most people don’t realize how much physical tension impairs their ability to communicate freely. Actors and athletes know the power of warming up. You should too.

8. Ground yourself in your body.

Get out of your head and into your body. Learn to relax your mental attention down into your body all the way to your feet.

Imagine you melt energy out of your head and let it flow down through your body until you fill your entire body. Grounding clears your head and creates a sense of physical strength and emotional safety. You can think on your feet when you are in you feet, and you can speak from your heart when you have attention in your heart area. This is the most effective antidote to performance and presentation anxiety I know.

9. Breathe.

Really. Breathe. After you ground yourself, take deep breaths, fast breaths, and slow breaths until you relax. Breathing helps your brain oxygenate and relaxes your body. Focus on breathing for 10 minutes an hour before your interview.

When you have finished these steps, you will feel ready to interview. Instead of feeling dread, you will be eager to get to the interview so you can share yourself. You will feel like an athlete who is ready to take on the current world champion.

10 Ways Your Presentation Skills Generate Career Promotions

Andrew Dlugan — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 22:34:40 +0000

Regardless of industry or job title, all companies seek employees with superior communication skills.

Reading comprehension and writing skills are taught heavily in school. You and your peers may not be equally skilled, but the differences are relatively minor.

Presentation skills, on the other hand, are largely neglected in schools, and few people put effort into developing them. Thus, presentation skills are a primary differentiator among you and your peers. Master your presentation skills, and become the master of your career options.

This article highlights 10 ways your career will improve if you have superior presentation skills.

The Best Career Move You’ll Ever Make: Developing Superior Presentation Skills

Presentation skills (and oral communication skills in general) can be learned by anyone. It’s not hard, but it takes dedication and time. Helping you develop these skills is the focus of this blog, not to mention Toastmasters, speech coaches, and speaking books. By making it a priority for your career, you can learn and master these skills.

The career benefits awaiting you are plentiful, including:

Benefit #1: You are noticed

Poor presenters: Let’s be honest. The presentation skills of most of your colleagues suck. The bad news is that you have to endure thousands of presentations from them over the course of your career. The good news is that the bar for presentation skills is low. You can vault above it with minimal effort.

You: With superior presentation skills, you’ll get noticed every time you make a presentation. Further, you’ll be more confident, and will find yourself volunteering to present more often. This results in more opportunities to deliver your message with the eyeballs of those in your organization on you.

Benefit #2: You are memorable

Poor presenters: They regularly commit “Death by PowerPoint”: bullet after bullet, reading from the slides, few meaningful images (clip art does not count), and otherwise doing things that audiences hate. The best part of their presentation is when it ends, and everyone is free to return to their offices. Soon after, they are forgotten.

You: You understand how to connect with an audience. You use highly visual slides, and few bullets. You structure your presentation to aid in its understandability. You finish strong. Your presentation is memorable = You are memorable.

Benefit #3: Your ideas win because you communicate them clearly

Poor presenters: Your colleagues are smart. They have good ideas, and they know how to implement them. But they never get the chance, because they can’t communicate their ideas in a way that is clear to the stakeholders who decide which path to take.

You: Your ideas win more often because you know how to convey them. You utilize analogies and metaphors. You know how to deliver a message that emphasizes benefits, not features. You know how to customize your message depending which stakeholder you are speaking with. Career advancement comes to those whose ideas direct activity.

Benefit #4: You become the go-to employee for customer presentations

Poor presenters: Because their internal presentations are poor, managers hesitate to let them lead the show before customers. Their role in customer presentations is a spectator.

You: After demonstrating your presentation skills internally, you’ll be the one called on to give customer presentations too. Presentations for proposals influence whether you get the customer contract. Final presentations influence whether you receive repeat business. The closer to the customer you get, the more integral you are to the customer relationship, and the more valuable you become to your employer.

Benefit #5: You are a leader

Poor presenters: Lack of presentation skills leads to lack of confidence. Attempts to lead are thwarted because nobody follows.

You: Great leaders are great communicators. Great communicators are great leaders. Persuasiveness and charisma convince people to view you as a leader. This perception is translated into reality as you inspire those around you to greater achievements.

Benefit #6: You are a better listener

Poor presenters: They are too concerned about their own presentation mishaps to listen attentively to the audience.

You: Presentation skills are not only about what you say; it’s about how you listen. With a heightened sense of how to convey a message to your audience, you have also developed keen listening skills. Listening effectively to your audience makes you a better listener at all times. This, in turn, makes you more approachable…

Benefit #7: You are more approachable

Poor presenters: They may welcome the idea of interacting with others, but they are not seen as approachable because their presentations are always always one-sided information dumps, not conversations.

You: You are more approachable because you “put yourself out there” more often. You design your presentations to be interactive conversations. You encourage Q&A during and after your presentations. Colleagues will come to you first with ideas and opportunities because they know you are receptive to listening to them.

Benefit #8: Your network will grow

Poor presenters: Their presentations are either boring or confusing. Boring presentations lead others to see them as boring co-workers. Confusing presentations fail to be clear about what they offer. In either case, nobody leaps at the opportunity to work more with them.

You: You get noticed, you are memorable, and you are more approachable. Other people become your PR machine, spreading the news about how great your presentations are and how strong your ideas are. Your network naturally grows as people want to interact with you more often.

Benefit #9: You are a better negotiator

Poor presenters: They go into a presentation without doing audience analysis. Likewise, they go into a negotiation without analyzing the interests of the other side, or considering the delicate language needed.

You: Of course, negotiation is about strategy — analysis of the strengths and weaknesses of both sides. But, it’s also communication — communication of your ideas, your proposals, and your interests using a language more palatable to the other side. This applies to negotiating with customers and suppliers as well as internal negotiations for a better job, or increased compensation and benefits.

Benefit #10: Your interviewing skills will get you the job

Poor presenters: They have difficulty demonstrating that they actually have the skills listed on their resume. Poor communication skills in an interview leads to a failing grade from the interviewer.

You: Interviews are high-pressure presentations. There may not be slides, but your presentation content is you! Superior speaking skills will earn you top marks in the “communication skills” box on the interviewer’s form. With your superior speaking skills, you will also find it easier to demonstrate that you possess the other necessary qualities for the job.

Business Communications Book Review: Fire Them Up (Carmine Gallo)

Andrew Dlugan — Thu, 20 Mar 2008 05:17:20 +0000

Learn to speak the language of motivation with Fire Them Up!, the subject of the latest Six Minutes public speaking book review.

Fire Them Up focuses not on short term steps (things to do), but on seven qualities of inspiring business communicators (things to embrace).

The target audience is broad: CEO, salesperson, manager, merchant, entrepreneur, coach, teacher, pastor, and parent.

Overview: Fire Them Up!

This book has two halves, each with 7 chapters.

The first half of the book dedicates one chapter to each of the 7 Simple Secrets which Gallo advocates:

Ignite Your Enthusiasm: Light a fire in your heart before sparking one in theirs
Navigate the Way: Deliver a specific, consistent, and memorable vision
Sell the Benefit: Put your listeners first
Paint a Picture: Tell powerful, memorable, and actionable stories
Invite Participation: Solicit input, overcome objections, and develop a winning strategy
Reinforce an Optimistic Outlook: Become a beacon of hope
Encourage People to Reach Their Potential: Praise people, invest in them, and unleash their potential

These chapters are brought to life with many short anecdotes taken from successful individuals and companies known for great business communications: Apple, Cranium, Starbucks, 24 Hour Fitness, and many more.

The second half of the book examines seven remarkable individuals in-depth, and shows how they exhibit the 7 Secrets. This includes individuals ranging from Apple founder Steve Jobs to Gymboree CEO Matt McCauley to U.S. Navy IT Manager Robert Labrenz. Inspiring views of inspiring people!

Excerpts From the Book

To give you a flavor of a book’s lessons, here are a set of short excerpts spanning several chapters.

Three Types of Communicators

The Introduction describes the three types of communicators:

The Chief of Blah

The Chief of Mediocrity

The Chief Inspiration Officer

The rest of the book is devoted to helping you become the third type of communicator in your organization.

Learning from Cranium: Are your ideas CHIFF?

Chapter 2 (Navigate the Way) introduces the Cranium mantra, CHIFF: Clever, High quality, Innovative, Friendly, and Fun.

CHIFF has become a common language, a way of communicating the vision of the company. … Everyone measures success [of ideas] by asking “Is it CHIFF?”

Do you want a drill, or do you want a hole?

Chapter 3 (Sell the Benefit) discusses a popular marketing mantra: “sell the benefit, not the feature.” I’ve never seen this principle more concisely conveyed than by the anecdote near the end of the chapter:

There is a saying in the insurance industry that every year, 6 million quarter-inch drills are sold, and yet nobody wants a quarter-inch drill [feature]; they want a quarter-inch hole [benefit].

Praise for Storytelling

Chapter 14 tells the story of inspirational teacher Ron Clark, and includes this praise for the power of storytelling:

Personal stories are motivational because your audience can interpret their current situation through the lens of your experience. Personal stories work in the classroom or in the corporate environment. Tell more of them.

About the Author — Carmine Gallo

Carmine Gallo is a communications coach with a client list that includes Intel, IBM, and Nokia. His resume boasts stints at CNN, FOX, CNET, and CBS.

Gallo credits these authors for inspiration:

Marcus Buckingham: First, Break all the Rules
Jim Collins: Good to Great
Stephen Covey: The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People
Wayne Dyer: Change Your Thoughts — Change Your Life
Chip and Dan Heath: Made to Stick
John Maxwell: The 21 Irrefutable Laws of Leadership
Tim Sanders: The Likeability Factor

This is very good company. I have read (and thoroughly enjoyed) books by 4 of them, and have seen a fifth speak. All have a fantastic reputation.

Gallo Interviewed about the Book

This interview with Carmine for the Forbes.com video network is a sneak peek into Fire Them Up.

Click here to view the embedded video.

More From Carmine Gallo

After completing Fire Them Up, I find myself craving to read Carmine Gallo’s other book: 10 Simple Secrets of the Worlds Greatest Business Communicators. As the repeat of “simple secrets” seems to imply, I wonder whether these books overlap in content? Do they follow the same approach? How do they differ? Is it worth reading both?

Defensive Reponses: Not “Why”, but “You”

Andrew Dlugan — Wed, 28 Nov 2007 23:09:51 +0000

In his popular approachability blog, Scott Ginsberg argues that questions beginning with What are better than questions beginning with Why to avoid defensive responses. While I agree with some points, I believe this argument neglects the more important word: You.

Scott’s recent blog post suggests that rather than accusatory phrases beginning with Why, it is better to use exploratory phrases beginning with What or How or Where: [underlining added by me]

DON’T ASK: “Why did you…?”
DO ASK: “What was your reason for…?”

DON’T ASK: “Why would you…?”
DO ASK: “How could you have done it differently to avoid this error?”

DON’T ASK: “Why didn’t you…?”
DO ASK: “Where could you have gone to follow the proper procedure?”

DON’T ASK: “Why couldn’t you…”
DO ASK: “What, specifically, were you confused about?”

DON’T ASK: “Why weren’t you…”
DO ASK: “What factors went into your decision to…”

You, You, You…

I believe it is the you in each of those questions that carries the accusatory tone, not the why. The word you commands attention and can put the other person on the defensive. The unspoken message being received is “Hrumph! They don’t care about the problem… they are just trying to pin the blame on me!” I think several of the questions labelled “DO ASK” above could generate a defensive response.

So, to avoid putting someone on the defensive, avoid placing the focus on them. Instead, place the focus on the action, task, or entity involved. Some examples demonstrating this are:

Instead of: “Why did you miss the target?”
Try: “Why was the target missed?“
Instead of: “Why couldn’t you deliver the report?”
Try: “What were the obstacles which prevented the report from being delivered?“
Instead of: “Why didn’t you catch this risk?”
Try: “Why wasn’t this risk caught?“

In these examples, the focus is placed on “the target“, “the report“, and “this risk.” Follow-up questions which would further avoid defensiveness include “What can we do about this?”

Tone of Voice and Body Language

Scott also points out that “the wrong tone of voice or body language” increases the likelihood that the listener will interpret the verbal message as criticism. I agree completely. In fact, I believe tone of voice and body language are probably more important factors than the precise words used. In any interpersonal communication, nonverbal communication is very significant. This is particularly true when emotions are involved

NSR Murthy states:

Much of the “emotional meaning” we take from other people is found in the person’s facial expressions and tone of voice, comparatively little is taken from what the person actually says.

For more on the wonderful complexities of non-verbal communication, the BBC and the British Council provide an accessible primer.

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Author of this article: Andrew Dlugan
Category: Communication Skills
Article tags: nonverbal communication
© Six Minutes, 2007. | Permalink | 4 comments so far

Six Minutes » Communication Skills

Toastmasters Testimonials: 85 Years of Better Speakers

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Toastmasters: Please Share Your Story

Be Featured on Six Minutes

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Why Pausch, not Obama, is Best Communicator of 2008

1. Too much emphasis on politics.

2. “Worst Communicator” = “Scandal-ridden”??

3. Randy Pausch, not Barack Obama, is the Best Communicator of 2008

Similar Articles You May Like...

9 Steps to Conquer Nerves and Communicate Clearly in Interviews

How to Think about the Interview

1. Be there to help.

2. Detach from the outcome.

Prepare to Answer Questions

3. Determine likely interview questions.

4. Write and practice your answers.

5. Decide how to sell yourself.

6. Illustrate key points with stories.

Handling Tension and Anxiety

7. Warm up your body.

8. Ground yourself in your body.

9. Breathe.

Similar Articles You May Like...

10 Ways Your Presentation Skills Generate Career Promotions

The Best Career Move You’ll Ever Make: Developing Superior Presentation Skills

Benefit #1: You are noticed

Benefit #2: You are memorable

Benefit #3: Your ideas win because you communicate them clearly

Benefit #4: You become the go-to employee for customer presentations

Benefit #5: You are a leader

Benefit #6: You are a better listener

Benefit #7: You are more approachable

Benefit #8: Your network will grow

Benefit #9: You are a better negotiator

Benefit #10: Your interviewing skills will get you the job

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